timing resolve

I like having a whole new year stretched out full of the unknown.
I also like looking back at the year gone to see if it was at all like I thought it'd be. I might be guilty of looking back too much. I like picking at decisions, wondering about them now from this side of making them to see how I've shaped my future.

Last year is a perfect example of big decisions to pick apart. The start of the year I thought I knew exactly what I wanted and what was best for me. I quickly learned I was wrong and I thought I recognized something in me that felt too familiar like I was headed for some serious moping around and asking questions that couldn't be answered. I didn't like that idea so instead I found myself in a foreign world asking questions like 'What is a mustering and why do I have to do it at 7 am every morning?'

Taking a time out when I thought I should have been checking off my real life goals was a diversion I'm glad I took. And while I didn't check off the goals I thought I'd achieve last year I think the experiences and lessons learned couldn't have been done any other way. The part I wasn't expecting was by the end of my four months at sea I was even more lost and entering into one of the darkest chapters of my life to this point. I thought I was going to come home the super humanitarian ready to take on bigger things. Instead I came home hung up questioning the very things that make me who I am.

Not to say this darker time has been all terrible. I have reveled in the trials of the last few months. I'm appreciating the light in my life in a way I never have before.

Timing has been one of the biggest challenges I have faced this year. It feels like I'm off on just about everything that matters. I've realized things too late and I've felt stuck in an endless trial that I can't see the results of just yet. I know timing is essential and I know I'll love the perspective it brings in the end.

So now as a lump sum, 2009 was a year that started out with a plan of my own and in the end I was reminded again that my plans are farsighted and I should let the real planning master take lead on organizing my life.

My biggest resolutions for 2010 revolve around that simple lesson learned from last year. That, and I'd like to take on Tae Kwon Do again, climb something tall and see some places I've never seen before but those will all come with time too, I'm sure.